My Musings

Never Give Up

If you know me, you know I’m transparent. Maybe sometimes too much so. I’m always telling my sister she doesn’t always have to tell everything she knows, but I think it may be something in our DNA. I’ll call that my disclaimer. If you don’t want to know what swirls through my personal thoughts, exit now. If you’re still here, let me tell you, I’ve been under one thing after another. I’m sure there are a lot of you who can relate. Sometimes it feels like when it rains it pours. I’ve heard people say these things come in threes. About now, I’d appreciate just three. I’m truly worn down and out! I’m a strong Christian but feel like I can’t pray enough to get clear of all of this. Since the first of the year, it’s been pulling me under and I often feel like just giving up and letting it take me over. I know, too transparent, but I’m just being honest. I’ve just continued to look up, pray, sing my favorite Christian songs, and simply putting one foot in front of the other.

Yesterday, the last straw was added, I couldn’t take any more. We were out for the day. Instead, I turned around, went home, I got in the bed, and cried throughout the rest of the day into the night. Somewhere along the way, I fell asleep. I woke up around 2:30 am and went to the Living room. I spent some heartfelt time with God in complete surrender. Even at that time, I couldn’t imagine anything could look any different in the morning and knew something had to give. I couldn’t do this for more than one more day. I have so much responsibility on me that even stopping for a half a day was too much, so kept trying to pep-talk myself up.

One of the things I always do when I start feeling like this is list all my blessings. It usually helps me get over my pity party quickly. Yesterday, that was not working. In the night, it wasn’t working. This morning when I awoke, I wish I could say I felt better, but I didn’t. If I’m really down, like yesterday, even just sitting watching my granddaughters interact will pull me up and out. I’m sorry to say, it did not. This morning, as I sat drinking my coffee and watching my family cut up and be themselves, I saw so many of my blessings straight up in my face. God didn’t promise me life will be always wonderful, He promised me He would never leave me and would always see me through even the hard times. No, the pains of yesterday are not gone, but they are in proper perspective. God is much bigger than any of my problems, He’s got all of this. I have no idea how this is possibly going to get worked out, I just know this too shall pass, and God will make me stronger because of it. Little by little throughout today, I’ve put the enemy in his place and I’ve been able to remind myself I can never give up.

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